O Ye Of Little Faith

                                                                                                                                                 Saturday, June 8th

The interns have arrived! They have been such a blast of fresh air in my sails as I picked them up from Johannesburg and we have transitioned into our intern home.  We dive into full ministry as an intern team tomorrow and have spent the last couple of days getting to know each other (minus Bri, and Ameena and I.  We go waayyy back! J) and orientating the new interns to life and culture here and preparing for our time as interns.  In one week the first of several short term teams will arrive and we get to step up as hosts and leaders as we share in ministry and draw teams in and out of the ongoing service and community.  Three of the interns will head to the city of Manzini with the missionaries Matt and Erica to work with a team at the more established care points there.  The other three of us: Ameena, Jessy Prado, and myself, will stay in Nsoko with Erica and the ministry partners and work with a team here.  Through the rest of the internship I will pick up the responsibilities of being one of the primary drivers of teams, keeping the community gardens irrigated, and helping manage finances.  In these next couple of weeks I will get to work with Smanga a lot more on small projects as well as finishing up the work we started on creating a new seedling community garden area—we have to finish putting up a shade cloth roof and tilling the ground for planting.  I am excited to settle into a rhythm these next several weeks and to invest deeply in life alongside my intern team and the friends I am developing here in Swaziland. 

This last week was tiring and tense at times as I transitioned without my team and prepared to meet the interns.  I had a lot of personal solo time, and although it was overwhelming at times, I found it really good to be largely alone for a few days and to have space to just reflect and pray.  On Monday and Tuesday I got to participate in ministry at the care points and home visits with just Erica and the ministry partners.  Being one of the only Americans made me really miss my George Fox team but it was also kind of cool to see life and ministry go on here.  I got to visit an older koko (means grandmother, but all the older women are called kokos, pronounced gogo) alongside the ministry partner Sanele on Monday.  She was over a hundred of years old and many of my George Fox teammates had gotten to visit her in the last few weeks.  She had a reputation for being quite the feisty talker and storyteller but had been sick the last few weeks and it had been hard for my team to see her worn out and weary.  Although, in demonstration of her feisty independence, earlier in May she had been feeling a little better and our team was shocked when we saw her walking all by herself to the little health clinic by our team house.  Erica and Mxolisi informed us that she had a reputation for getting up early and trying to walk the mile or so to the clinic before they could drive over to pick her up because she didn’t trust the cars.  She has been around longer than they have!  Anyways I got to visit her for the first time with Sanele on Monday and it was difficult to see that she wasn’t doing any better at all.  She had been sleeping on a mat outside all day and was worn out, with barely the strength to talk or even lift her head.  We sat with her for a bit and then Sanele asked me to pray for her and her healing.  I found myself thinking: “What do I even say?  What do I ask for her?  Do I pray for complete healing and strength for a woman who is over hundred?”  I found myself praying for the Lord to be her strength and to sustain her and protect her even amidst life ailments and struggles and that he would ease and heal her from her sickness and pain if it was His will.  We left and I found myself discouraged and worn thinking that was probably one of the last home visits to this weary and frail old koko. 

The next day I finished ministry with Erica and Mxolisi and we had some extra time so they decided to go back and visit this older koko who was a very good friend to both of them.  Erica not only referred to her as koko but also affectionately called her her own grandmother.  She had talked to me a few days ago about how it was hard to be away from all of her family in the states but how faithful the Lord and Swazis had been to her in providing her with an incredible and large Swazi community family.  We returned to her homestead to find her not only awake and up but energetic and healthy.  She was moving around and eating and talking excitedly and thanking us for visiting her again and complaining that she had not been able to see her family (Erica & Mxolisi) yesterday with Sanele and I.  We ended up sitting with her for almost and hour and half, which was filled almost entirely with her chatting and stories about feeling better, and some of the pain she still felt, and the lives of her large extended family who all lived at the same homestead.  We laughed and listened and joined into conversation with her-largely through Mxolisi as an interpreter.   I found myself so encouraged and blessed as we rejoiced with her and visited her.  Erica expressed to her how thankful we were that she was feeling better.  Even as she expressed how she was willing and to an extent even wanting to go and be with the Lord, Erica told her that maybe the Lord is restoring her because He still has plans for her here; He still has plans to use her to love on and invest in her family and point them closer to Himself.  Mxolisi asked me to pray with her again as we left.  In Swazi culture it is common for many people to pray at once and so I found myself praying alongside her as we thanked God for His blessings each day and for His faithfulness and guidance in our lives.  I found myself amazed by her faith and the life she is living and thinking over and over:  “O Ye of little faith, why did you doubt?”  Why did I doubt the Lord’s ability to use her, to heal her, to continue to bless her and be a blessing to her?

That story has remained present in the forefront of my mind throughout this week as I sat in the melancholy spirit of transition and doubt as to why I am still here and my George Fox team is back home.  As I wrestled with why God still had me here, what the rest of my time here will look like, and reflected back over how He has called me here I ultimately found myself last night at a place of incredible peace and rest.  God has called me here; I journaled for five pages last night on the reasons why.  God is working powerfully here; I see His blessings and faithfulness each day anew.  God has dreams and ambitions and plans to use me and to work through me as His servant through my time here in Swaziland and abroad; I trust Him. 

Looking back over the last several weeks and thinking over these stories and this transition I recall the sermon preached in our Swazi church a few weeks ago when pastor Bheki preached about Peter and the disciples in the boat during a crazy storm and seeing Jesus suddenly coming towards them walking on the water.  Pastor Bheki preached over the whole passage and more (Swazi church isn’t time oriented and often goes 3 hours long)  but over and over he kept returning to how when Peter was called out of the boat he started to sink because He took His eyes off of Jesus.  He preached adamantly to the church body the profound need we have to keep our eyes on Jesus through all of our lives and everything we do.  The moment we begin to look away; the moment we are distracted by the demands and pressures of our daily life we begin to sink if we are not founded upon and looking to Jesus.  I have found that message to be so important in my life during my time here and especially in this last transition week.  As I have gotten distracted; As my heart has been pulled in different directions, and as I have heard many voices calling out: ‘this is the way, walk in it!’ I have found myself sinking and fading when my trust, hope, and vision have not been centered upon Christ.  But as I have made space to seek Him, and as I have lifted my gaze towards Heaven and asked for His strength and renewal I have found nothing but abiding joy and faithfulness.

So why do I doubt?  Why do I continue to look at all the voices of the winds and waves?  Why do I hear the voices of all those calling to me from the boat when I see Jesus clearing in front of me and He has called out: “It is I.  Step out of the boat.”   Lord I believe; help my unbelief.