Sometimes
things in life are just incredibly difficult.
Sometimes there are no answers to give.
Sometimes faith appears fickle and the idea of hope…hopeless.
It
has been a couple of months now since I last blogged but man can I say that it
has not been due to the lack of anything meaningful. Sometimes experiences are such a simultaneous
mixture of burden, joy, transformation, renewal, and immense heaviness that one
doesn’t even know where to start. Where do I pick up the pen and start
writing? When do I answer the phone and
start processing? How do I open my mouth
and start praying?
Well
here is my attempt to address some of that through blog form…
January/February
updates first: I was able to go home for
a week over New Years and spend some much needed restful and celebratory time
with my family. I returned with a
renewed eagerness and sense of confidence in serving out here with some clear
visions in mind of how to be more fully invested and engaged on the Hill. Many of those hopes have been coming to
full fruition. A week after returning I
got to celebrate the graduation of 3 men, who had become close and inspiring
friends to me since September. The magnitude
of the joy, redemption, and hope these 3 young men possessed truly cannot be
expressed. Witnessing the graduation
ceremony in September had been meaningful but starkly paled to the experience
of watching 3 friends cross the stage and receive certificates and give speeches
that symbolized the transformation and opportunity for new life they had
wrestled through and received over the last year.
That
celebration came and went though as His Mansion quickly prepared for a new
group of residents arriving a week later.
As new men arrived and began their month of induction each of them were
partnered with one of us short-term staff as their personal mentor (this
differed from before when all of us mentors served as a general support and
model for all of the residents). It was
definitely a positive shift for the program and I was grateful for the
opportunity to engage on a much deeper and more personal level with one of the
new guys. Another avenue that has
allowed me to engage on a much deeper level within the program and journey
alongside the men has been the opportunity to join one of the phase classes as
an assistant teacher. I am helping out
in the Inner Healing class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. From what Ive heard this class is the meat of
much of the healing and transformation that residents go through as they
process and bring to the surface times of deep hurt, broken relationships, and
damaging events throughout their life.
The class is centered around healing prayer as guys come to an understanding
of how they turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms that in turn have developed
into all sorts of addictive and life-controlling behavior in their lives. I am
eager to walk alongside some of the guys in this class and for the level of
involvement and encouragement that I get to offer as I share my own life
alongside them. The last area that Ive
seen a lot of fruit in throughout the last month has been in encouraging and
getting to know the other mentors on a much deeper level. Many of the mentors I live and lead alongside
have become good friends of mine and are guys that I really enjoy spending a
lot of my down time off the hill with.
All
of that sounds great and I could easily wrap up my post here and keep it nice
and tidy. An encouraging little update
on all the positive ways I am growing and leading and choosing to serve
others. Ideal testimony sharing
right? But it wouldn’t be accurate and
in many ways any further from the truth in how Ive actually been here. Why? Because this last month here has been
the most difficult, exhausting, and over-bearing time Ive faced here yet. And to leave out the burden and struggle
would be to paint a false picture. The
reality is that ministry is painful, draining, and often very lonesome. The more involved I choose to be with
residents the more aware I become of how deeply hurt and entangled their lives
have become and the more I recognize short-comings in my own life as well.
Personally
mentoring one of the residents was a fantastic opportunity to be a role model,
encourager, and older brother to someone deeply hurting but made it all the
harder to watch the young man I had been mentoring decide this was not the
place for him and leave about a week ago.
It means listening night after night to intense anger, hurt, loneliness,
and hopelessness in these new guys lives as they pour out personal stories of
severe pain and abuse they have been victim too and/or caused. Where is God in all that? Where is faith in all that? I have gotten some of the hardest situations
and questions imaginable thrown in my face out here. Where
does one begin to pick up his life?
Sometimes there are no answers to give. And it all begins to wear.
Beyond
the weight of this place I suddenly found myself all the more discouraged by
some personal trials and burdens, not least of which being news of my
grandmother’s cancer and deteriorating health.
Its seemed as if there were no break in sight. In the midst of all the heaviness I found
myself suddenly lost in a deep depression that I could find no real release or
escape from. It did not seem to matter
how I strived harder, prayed relentlessly, or processed with others. Even if I felt some peace in the moment it
was as if I couldn’t find the strength or motivation the next day. I found myself stuck in the haze of an intense
situational depression.
I
have not hidden the fact that I have been struggling a lot with those I have
been ministering here to. In fact I have
had all the more opportunity as I become much more involved with many of
them. And instead of being a drag and
discouragement, like I feared, I found that through the transparency and
honesty I expressed I was able to be an encouragement and comrade alongside
those deeply struggling. Because like
each of them I found myself down in the valley.
Where there are no easy answers.
Where sometimes it just hurts.
During
the last week I have found myself moving more from a place of depression into a
place of trust. Its hard to pinpoint any
sudden realization or transformation in a moment. I did not suddenly read the right verse, identify
some secret sin, or bring myself before the Lord in prayer in a new way that
suddenly lifted a cloud of depression.
But God has been faithful along the way.
He has allowed me to remain faithful in service and love towards others
and carried me through each day one at a time.
My situation has not gotten easier; the heavy things I am facing are all
still there. But I think in simply
arising each day anew and choosing to be present and press in amidst discouragement,
I was slowly starting to find new life. Perhaps the best way I can illustrate
this paradox of angst and inspiration is through this video that my brother
shared with me as an encouragement last week.
After losing both his wife and unborn baby due to a driver falling
asleep at the wheel Erik later set out and formed a lasting friendship with the
man who had killed his family. The most insightful and powerful part of this
video comes with Erik’s closing statement:
“One
thing I’ve learned through this experience is this: that God is faithful and
that when our little bit of faith would intersect with His faithfulness God
shows up big and does some amazing things in us and through us.”
At
some point last week I began to realize I had been asking Jesus to give me
strength and joy, rather than asking Him to be my strength and my joy. It was then that I suddenly received a simple
message from the Lord that simultaneously spoke to the condition of my heart as
well as to how God has called me to serve here at His Mansion. It was just a simple phrase packed with
meaning and is what I decided to title this post: “I will join you in the valley.” It’s the
promise of the Gospel. What Jesus has
done for us, how God chose to save us, how He continues to meet and save us,
and how He calls us to shine His light to the rest of those around us. God did not create me, inspire me, and redeem
me to sit on the experience of my mountaintops (for which I have experienced
many in recent years), but for the purpose of rushing back down to the valley
to proclaim and testify by my very life the things that I have glimpsed. God did not create us in order to live in the
valley we find ourselves, but the reality is we do find ourselves there. We were created for a Heavenly Kingdom; one
that will never perish, spoil or fade, but one that, at least presently, we
find ourselves quite distant from. But in those moments when we do glimpse it,
when I have caught a glimmer of the vision of His Kingdom it is flooded with a
knowing that I can never be the same; there is no going back for I have tasted
and seen the goodness of the Lord. His
gates are just around the corner and His mountain is massive and glorious
beyond all comparison or imagination. All the more radical then, does it make the
realization that He was the one to initiate first and come join us in the
valley.
For
anyone who may be in similar place of feeling burdened or discouraged…..I have
been listening to these songs on repeat for the last month. Through so many times when I felt like I
couldn’t press on the messages in these songs helped carry me through: In
The Valley
