Wow, has it really been 2 months
today since I arrived here at His Mansion?
In many ways the time has flown and yet many days have felt like an
eternity. His Mansion is quite the
intense community to jump into but the last couple of weeks I feel like I have
been able to really settle in and find some of my place out here. I can honestly say that I really enjoy the
flow of life here and the richness and closeness this community brings. I love the steady rhythm of worship, work,
fellowship, and processing/class time and am discovering when and how to make
time for myself. I’ve had a blast at the
many times of laughter and competiveness we’ve had at various Brother’s or
Family Nights (times where we gather on the hill to participate in sports,
games, or some other fun activity, occasionally refereed to as “forced family
fun”, but honestly often a lot more fun than not.) This is a community that is deeply vulnerable
with one anther and confronts pain and burden head-on, but also really knows
how to celebrate and laugh with one another.
I experienced a lot more of that light-hearted side at our Harvest Party
the night before Halloween. Everyone on
the hill came together for costumes, a pie-baking competition (which my team
won!) and square dancing. His Mansion
knows how to party and as difficult as it is going to be for me to be away from
my own family and friends during Thanksgiving and Christmas I am looking
forward to celebrating alongside the His Mansion family. I’ve heard that we are known for going all
out during the holidays!
I’ve had
the opportunity to lead several devotional times with the men and share a
little bit during our times of worship and Im looking forward to more times to
be intentionally involved in those ways.
On the building and maintenance crew they recently gave me the primary
responsibility of stoking the hill. All
of the buildings on the hill are heated by wood stoves during the winter and
its my job during the workday to go on stoking shifts and make sure every
boiler has enough wood and is cleaned/maintained every 2 hours. I often get to take along another person with
me when I do one of these runs to the 8 boilers around the hill and its
normally provides for some good one-on-one time. I also enjoy getting to walk around the hill
with a clipboard and pen behind my ear—it gives me a feeling of responsibility. Although I’ve heard the story a few times of
how the original mansion was burned down when one of the first stokers let a
boiler get to hot!
Life here, whether at work, in class times,
around the dining table, or just in general down time provides ample time to
get to know others and build relationships in community. We do a lot altogether, though, and
sometimes it can be difficult to get to know people individually. I have found I am really grateful when I find
opportunities though, and am amazed at people’s honesty, and openness
here. Doubt, struggle, faith, pain,
hope, and hopelessness are all regular conversation topics here and within the
30 or so of us in the men’s dorm there is quite the plethora of different life
experiences and perspectives (guys range from 18 to about 37, come from many
different states, and possess some pretty intense life stories they have
lived.) I really enjoy finding time to
connect with the other mentors. Most of
them are recent graduates from the program and have some pretty powerful
testimonies and passion for the gospel!
I have found the Lord really moving in my own heart over
the last couple of weeks as well. God is
relentlessly faithful and I am realizing more and more that anxiety, stress, or
even our heaviest burdens and sins need not separate us from trusting Him and
seeking to worship and live life fully. He has been teaching me a lot
about laying down our right to ourselves and expecting Him to move and work His
will in our lives. It’s a pretty mundane
lesson. Looks a lot like long days of
work stoking the boilers, sitting through another exhausting 3-hour group
process time, singing the same song for 19th time this month, or
having the same old vegetables and grains in casserole after casserole. It looks like coming alongside struggling
individuals who are intently examining their lives and often proclaiming: “Its hopeless. Im not changing; I cant
change,” and watching many of them persevere and find the strength to rise the
next day while watching others decide they’ve had enough and its time for them
to go. It looks like heartbreak. It looks like vulnerability. It looks like
waiting. But in that, as our hearts
earnestly seek the Lord, we come to the end of ourselves and face the reality
of being consumed by our worries, emotions, or shortcomings or pressing on,
striving forward for the prize, and believing that the Lord is in control and
delicately guiding us the whole way through.
I have found that I am clutching all the more tightly to Jesus’s promise
in Matthew 6:33: “But seek first His
Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.” In
the end, I think it looks like the gospel.
I read this recently in a book Im reading on
Discipleship: “Most gospel ministry
involves ordinary people doing ordinary things with gospel
intentionality.” Often it takes a lot of
humility to admit were just an ordinary vessel in the hand of our Lord. The temptation for me is to wonder why Im
here. How am I relevant? I haven’t made it through the program. I didn’t come in with an addiction. Why did I choose to serve at a simple
farming, redemptive community? Surely my
talents and passions could be better used elsewhere? What use is holding a degree in Engineering
only to do work anyone could reasonably do if needed? I thought God was calling
me to big things? Many times, even
though I enjoy the community, I have found I don’t want to be here. There are so many other things that I have
experienced that have captured my heart; so many things that I can identify
with the goodness and joy of the Lord, that I know could bring Him glory. Shouldn’t He want me to pursue those things
which I have glimpsed His passion and calling in before? What about a vocation in the Engineering
profession? What about international
ministry in developing countries? What
about growing and deepening relationships with my family and friends who I
deeply care about and have already seen the abundance of the fruit of the Lord
through? What about recently pursuing a
relationship with a great friend of mine? Why wait? On the other hand, in blogging and sharing my
story with others, it’s easy for me to get lost in the false humility of having
made the “sacrificial” decisions and focusing on the hard things Im doing for
the Lord. Both responses feed my pride
and although may adhere to the wisdom of the world, stand in direct opposition
to being an ordinary vessel with whom God may bring about His gospel intentionality.
Maybe none of that is the point. Maybe those questions don’t need
answers. Maybe the “foolishness” of God
really does put the wisdom of the world to shame as 1 Corinthians 2 talks
about.
Recently, I found this snippet on what it means to wait on
the Lord from Quiet Talks on Prayer by S.D. Gordon. It met me
where i was at and I thought was an incredible description of waiting:
"Steadfastness, that is holding on;
Patience, that is holding back;
Patience, that is holding back;
Expectancy, that is holding the face up;
Obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go
or do;
Listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear."
Listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear."
When
I think on those things, with the perspective of my faith/life journey and
under the lens of living in this community I see God’s faithfulness come alive
through those phrases. It is what those
struggling through redemption and community here at His Mansion must wrestle
through each day: waiting, expecting, obeying, listening, proving steadfastness
and patience. Its how I can look back
and see in my own life how He was guiding and directing the whole way
through. Its simple. Its dry and mundane in the moment. But that does not mean it is not incredibly
powerful and carry with it the very weight of God’s glory and a joy and
radiance beyond all compare. “For where
your heart is there your treasure will be also.” So I will continue to meditate on those
phrases and wait on the Lord.
