And I Had the Audacity to Doubt?

          So I just posted last night, but I was spending some time praying earlier today and God laid something powerful on my heart that I started journaling about and thought was just too good not to share.  J  This last week I have had a step away from the typical routine of life out here as I have been attending a conference put on by His Mansion called Healing in the Context of Community (HHC).  There were roughly about 30 of us in classes, small groups, worship & other activities, amidst testimonial life sharing.  The premise of the week was to learn all about the program and history of His Mansion and the process of healing that residents go through out here in this intense community.  I was taking the class along with 5 other mentors who had recently started out here. The rest of the attendees were made up of pastors, other ministry/non-profit leaders, college grads, or just other people who wanted to learn about or experience healing in the context of community.  HCC had just ended and people were headed home after a full and very long week.  I had felt anxious and burdened for awhile and decided to spend awhile that afternoon just in prayer and scripture when God suddenly revealed Himself in a different way to me and I began to journal intently:

           Well, I’ve been sitting here on my bed praying and seeking the Lord when a random thought jumped in my head and I knew I had to start journaling about.  I was laughing to myself about the legit certificate they had made for me for completing HCC.  I was thinking on the simplicity, though, of how it did feel good to be recognized and to participate in a ceremony, even if menial, and then started thinking on how I took my own college graduation and Engineering ceremony for granted in the midst of everything else I was jumping into:  Summer Serve coming up, internship in Swaziland, committing to a year at His Mansion, and pursuing a relationship with one of my best friends. I realized that a huge part of me took it for granted because I never once doubted that I would walk across that stage and receive my college dipolma.  And then the thought suddenly struck, literally struck me, that not a one of the residents here takes it for granted, even in the slightest, that they might make it through a year and walk across the stage to receive a similar (on the surface) certificate that I am holding right now. 

I imagine the joy and incredible feelings of perseverance, accomplishment, and authenticity that such a year of struggling, doubting, and fighting through a web of vulnerability, shame, and accountability in the midst of traumatic and life-entangling addictions must bring.  What does it mean to know grace?  What does it mean to know victory?  To encounter a 2^nd chance at life?  Or come face to face with redemption? To understand the passion and power of the Gospel and hope in the Heavenly Kingdom?  Getting to share my own Genogram (testimony/life story) during HHC revealed me to me that I know in part, but nothing, nothing, like the residents here.  As I engage more and more with the men around me, as I hear details of chaos and horrendous trauma in their lives, as I begin to glimpse some of the transformation in their hearts and in their souls I can say, assuredly, that they are coming to intimately and powerfully know these things.  

I saw and I heard it in the passion and eagerness of the 10 graduates who walked across the stage last month right after I arrived.  What an amazing, vivid, image of what I can only describe as witnessing “those with unveiled faces beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Father, and professing the transformation into His likeness from one glory into another (paraphrase 2 Corinthians 3:18).  Its an eagerness and indignation they possess that I can only further describe with later verses in 2 Corinthians:  “Yet now I am happy not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us.  Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.  See what this godly sorrow has produced in you, what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.” (7:9-12 NIV)

What an incredible memory for this community and I to hold onto as we welcome burdened new residents officially into the program after completing their month of induction.   There was so much joy in our prayer and share ceremony today and I feel like the Lord has suddenly lifted a veil from my eyes.  This whole week I felt like I was missing something; like I was blind and unable to see what all my fellow HCCers seemed to be witnessing in their amazement at this community and throughout classes.  Had I grown so complacent and burnt-out already to view life so mundanely?  It took a group of misfit pastors, visionaries, former addicts, and ordinary dysfunctional family members stepping into this community through HHC, along with a moment of God’s sudden grace for my calloused and stony heart to be suddenly broken and allow me to see the radicalness and beauty of this place.  The Lord is claiming and redeeming lost lives!  He is rescuing His lost sheep.  Let us respond like that shepherd, or young woman who had lost her coin, and in eagerness and excitement gather our friends and family and profess boldly: “Rejoice with me!  For what was once lost has now been found!”

If you would like to read the testimonies from one of those recent graduates of the program you can hear:   http://hismansion.com/newsletter-october-2013/ 

Life in a Christian Habilitating Community

5 weeks in and I am doing well and enjoying life over here.  :)  New Hampshire is beautiful and it is awesome to take in some of the scene of this side of the country.  The barn and a couple of the homes and buildings here on His Mansion property were built in the 1760's and its crazy to think they were around before our country ever officially was!  On one of my weekends off I got to go camping with a few of the other mentors and had a blast.  We hiked along some of the mountains and up a creek to the highest waterfall in NH. It was peak season of the year for all the trees changing color (NH is 80% forested) and a beautiful warm sunny weekend. 

I like it here (most of the time!), but its definitely a radically different community and I come to more of the awareness each and every day that people and life can be incredibly broken and painful.  Some of the residents and staff here have some of the most traumatic and overwhelming stories you can imagine.  On the surface many of the guys here look incredibly street tough.  But underneath their surface you will find some of the most genuine, compassionate, soft-hearted followers of Jesus who have been radically redeemed by the Gospel.  His Mansion is a non-profit ministry originally founded upon the George Mueller principle of trusting the Lord and praying for Him to meet every need.  Everyone serving and living on the Hill still raise their own support and as such the program is provided virtually free of charge to the residents (In contrast to many other programs and rehabs which can cost thousands of dollars a month!). 

His Mansion is a tough place and lives are undoubtedly being redeemed here, but don’t refer to this place as a rehab….(Re)habilitation assumes that life was once well and desirable, but as one of the directors here points out, many of the people joining this community life have never experienced a life they want to return to; they come here for a chance at new life.  HM is a place of starting over; a place of transformational living.  A place where the Gospel comes alive and the lost and broken encounter the presence of Jesus and their vast need for Him.  Indeed we are all lost and broken outside of Christ and on this side of Heaven.   Those in positions and roles of leadership here simply act as guides pointing people along to our Wonderful Counselor, Mighty Redeemer, Lord, and Savior, Jesus Christ.  We are the broken guiding the broken; disciples making disciples.  Sinners and saints, one in the same, joining hands to pursue the Kingdom of God here on earth and stumble along on this journey of redemption…welcome to life on the hill.      

The structure and rhythm of life at His Mansion has been intentionally set up to strip away all facades and make people real with each other.  Residents come here in humility, knowing they need a challenging community and a lot of support to turn their lives around and find change, but most of them have no idea what they are getting into at first.  Transparency is a must and the counselors quickly help people notice and become aware that the addictions that they brought in to fix are simply surface issues hiding a vast amount of pain and personality/character disorders that abuse, trauma, neglect, and their own choices have built over time.  The Gospel, worship, and service permeates this place as it is believed that true redemption & healing are found in Jesus (holistically, alongside professional counseling, group therapy/processing, a rigid cycle of physical work and classes, and a tight community which will not hesitate to confront and call out, but always offers grace and love). 

At times this place feels very invasive; you quickly learn-if you’re choosing into life out here-that you cant hide behind anything or any part of yourself.  But it’s also a place where I, and everyone else I’ve encountered, have experienced a tremendous amount of comfort and peace and quickly began to feel at home.  To many of the residents, it’s the first time in their life they've truly experienced belonging and a place they feel they are wanted.  It's no wonder to me that everyone constantly refers to the His Mansion 'family' up on the hill and calls the male residents and mentors 'brothers' and the females 'sisters'.   

I live in the dorm with the men 24/7.  It’s pretty much just 2 wings with no separate bedrooms, just halls of bunks and closets.  The mentors have our own rooms at the end of the hall, but even they don’t have any doors (you just walk around the corner) so pretty much anything or any conversation can be heard by anyone else in the hall at any time.  Meals are an intense version of family style where a male and female staff head each end of the table and serve everyone else food and you must ask them for permission to leave for any reason (getting a napkin, seconds, bathroom, etc.).  They also open and close the meal with prayer and we scrape up and save all food scraps to feed to the pigs.  Speaking of food, we eat a lot of our own meat here and pretty much all our own veggies.  Their corn and peppers here are amazing!  And their homemade maple syrup!  haha, im starting to rely a bit too much on coffee.  The meat is honestly a lot better tasting, but I am very grateful I don’t have to be involved in the process at all! 

I work in the building and maintenance department alongside some of the other mentors and residents.   We do all sorts of odds and ends projects from constructing decks, to cleaning carpets, to simply moving equipment and appliances all over the hill.  The value of simple work and a disciplined lifestyle is emphasized here and work often serves as a great venue to build relationships and get to know the other residents and mentors well.   We do highs/lows, devos, and a time of confession with smaller groups of guys at the end of the day as well as breaking up our work schedule by spending an hour together in worship, prayer, and open sharing before lunch.

There are currently 11 mentors in the men’s program and we all live alongisde the residents together as companions in their day-to-day lifestyle. We lead activities, devos, and act kind of like RAs in enforcing/reporting anything.  There is plenty of time and space to interact with and get to know guys one-on-one though, and I have had many opportunities already.  The men and women are kept really separate in the program (which is probably a good thing with some of the trauma and severe addictions people are facing).  Its also just the beginning month with a new group of residents though, so everything is a lot stricter, and I’ve heard the genders are brought together more as the program goes on.  I get a little bit of downtime in the evenings after the residents go to bed at 9:30 and have a couple weeknights free, as well as every other weekend so I’m finding time for myself, to study, and to connect with people back home a bit.

At times it is incredibly difficult to be so far away from everyone I know and care about.  Im adjusting to life here and have a sense of belonging but sometimes I still feel really out of place.  Occasionally I feel pretty alone because no one in this community really knew me at all before I came here.  Its strange coming from the strong communities I had in Oregon, specifically at Fox and Twin Rocks where my identity was so established and I had such a strong support system around me.  But this is a year for service, ministry, and outreach for me so I am learning to lean on the Lord in everything (literally, He's been teaching me a lot about my own strength, and lack thereof, and that I need to trust in Him).   

If you think of me pray that I stay humble and rooted in the Lord and that He provides the grace and support I need to serve here and find my own strength and healing in Him also.   Were all broken people helping and guiding other broken people!  Something I was definitely aware of before I came here but has been made all the more apparent to me the longer I’ve been here.